just mercy

Words unsaid…

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Today marks exactly two years since she passed on.
You do not know her that well. Actually, all your life, you see her twice, and meet her once.

You vividly remember the day you see her. April 2010. It is her wedding; she is getting married to your cousin.
She is a very pretty bride, with a very wide warm beautiful smile and beautiful eyes. They are the most distinct features about her, in your opinion. You like her gown too. It’s contemporary, not what you have usually seen brides wear. You eavesdrop on your cousins’ conversation. They are saying she designed the dress herself. She did art in school.
You decide that if you have the opportunity to talk to her anyday, you will tell her she is pretty, she has a beautiful smile, a great sense of style, and that you just think she has a great personality.
She is the happy type of bride too. The one who owns her day; she is dancing so much, she is extremely excited, and generally makes her day colourful.
You remember liking her as soon as you see her.
You think she is the type of person you will want to be friends with. You even remember thinking you want to be that type of bride when your time comes.
The wedding is over and all you can do is hope you can meet her. You don’t think it is possible because you and your cousin are not close.

Fast-forward to August 2013.
The day you meet her. She comes home very briefly with your cousins. They are just passing by. She is pregnant with her second child. You finally get the chance to introduce yourself to her.
She smiles and introduces herself too. That smile again. You think of telling her she is pretty and her smile is ethereal, but you let it go.  There will always be a next time. You can tell her that next time when you are better acquainted.

October 2013. About six weeks after you meet her, you and your cousins are going to see your sister and their brother who are in the same boarding school. You know she will be coming too so you decide that today you will have a chat with her. You really want to get to know her.
Your cousins come alone. She is not with them, they tell you that she is in a comma. It happens suddenly. A few hours before she goes into comma, she gives birth to a bouncy, cute baby boy.
Something has gone amiss and now she is in a comma. Just like that.
You gather all the negative thoughts flooding your mind at that time, put them at the very back, and you bring your positive game on and start praying for her whenever you think about her.
You want her to be fine. You want to be able to talk to her as you have wanted to.

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Three days later, 9th October, you get a phone call informing you that she has gone to be with God. Your mind freezes. You stop in your tracks. You cannot believe it. Your heart is heavy. You cannot cry because everything in you freezes during such circumstances. All you can feel is the burning sensation of a terrible heartache.
You start dialing your cousin’s number, then decide against it.
You are so scared to hear the voice of hurt, to feel the pain through his voice. Besides, what do you even say when or if he picks the call, You are not that strong. You will cry. These types of things scare you and crash you.
He needs strength and encouragement right now not someone crying to him on the phone.
You were told there will be a funeral service in two days time so you think you will talk to him at the funeral service if you get the chance to.
Then you remember that on the day of the funeral service, you have a test so you cannot go.
Still lacking courage to call,  you send a text and make a mental note to call when the atmosphere has cooled.
After a while, alot of things happen. You lose contact with your cousin, so you end up not making that call you had planned to make. All you have wanted to say, is let go just like that.

Fast-forward to June 2015. You are now intouch with your cousin. Actually, you have become close.
You have been longing to talk with him about his late wife but as usual, you are scared to ask. This time you are scared because you think you will open healing wounds. And you don’t want to do that.
So you decide to let it go. You tell yourself you will ask someday, when the time is “right” or when it just happens naturally.

October 2015. You are thinking about him because today is the day she died. Two days ago, the cute little angel she brought into this world turned 2!. So, your mind has been on that family since that little boy turned two.
You are thinking about your cousin. You should say something today.  You should do something. But he is healing, do you really want to open those wounds?
So you decide to settle for casual conversation..
You send a text asking how he is.
He is fine.
You text asking him how he really is,  whether he just said he is fine because it’s the expected reply, or he is actually fine, but you delete it before you send it and go on with the casual conversation.
Throughout this conversation, you are thinking you should just talk to him about it. Get it off your chest

Your sister, out of the blue, as if reading your mind, asks you if you remember that today marks two years since your cousin’s wife died.

There and then, something sparks inside of you. You know you must get over yourself and talk to him.
You will not just let go of this too.
You know you have to take the chance and say what you have failed to say all this while.
You want to text because it is easier but you decide that you will call instead and have a meaningful conversation, listen to his voice.

You will not let this opportunity go aswell.
You will not let another chance to tell someone what is in your heart slip past you.
You remember that you should have told her she was pretty, that you thought her smile was heavenly and she had a great personality when you still could.
You remember that even though a text was okay at that time, you still need to speak with him, to tell him that all is well, everything will be okay.

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So today, you will call.
You will call and say all you have wanted to say since that day, because you don’t want the opportunity to let someone know what’s in your heart slip by again.

So you call…..

Xx
Atim

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